I'M BAAAACCCKK... Did ya miss me?? .. I missed me!

Soooo I have really had an internal battle raging inside of me these last two and a half weeks.. I don't know how or why this happens... but I do know it happens EVERYTIME I try to get my life back on the healthy side! .. I WANT THIS SOOO BAD.. I REALLY REALLY DO... so WHY... ? .. WHY?! ... WHY is it sooo hard to follow through?!

Life ..

EMOTIONS..
EMOTIONS...

Children..

EMOTIONS!!.. .

I am trying to learn how to set aside the emotional habit of eating and love myself for who I am and what I am going through .. love myself enough to make the right choices because I know I CAN! .. I have been there.. I have made the right choices even in difficult times.. NOW I need to recommit to being strong, living strong, and self motivate..

I have noticed a big difference in the way I have felt the last two weeks, even though it was just about 6 weeks that I stayed motivated and made the right choices, the last two weeks when I haven't have been really hard, and I feel like CRAP! .. I feel like all the hard work that I have accomplised in the last little bit is for NOTHING! .. But I am NOT going to dwell on that.. NOPE not this time.. I am living from this day on! .. I am going to be accountable each and every day.. I will recommit everyday! .. I am moving forward! ... I WANT THIS!

For once in my life I am going to do something for me..



Do you see what I see.... Finally noticing small changes

After being frustrated and feeling so low, I was quickly picked back up by the BEST family and friends EVER!! ... I am fighting even harder right now, and know that I am gearing up to give it my all!! .. I know the changes are slow and hey I haven't really noticed anything significant but ....



DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE??? ...   Cheek bones!!! ... I will be admiring them all day!! .. 

And that is all I have to say today!! 

LOVE you ALL thank you for all your support!! 

Frustration is setting in... I have to overcome!

Tonight I can feel the frustration building ... the anger and rage and disappointment are building pressure so forcefully that I almost feel as though I am going to litereally explode..



 

 

I know that I have been trying hard to be healthy and to exercise... and I have come a long way from where I was.. And it's only been a month .. BUT I have really not noticed a difference in my body!!

 

Everyone around me that is dieting and exercising, have had really good numbers as far as losing weight.. even my own sweet sister whom I love so much has lost 13 pounds and I am SOOOO happy for her and everyone around me.. But I am frustrated as hell that I am not noticing any difference in the way my body looks and feels...

 

Have I been exercising... YES... have I been eating better... YES... BUT here is the key... have I given it an absolute 100%??? .... I would have to honestly say no.. I have done the best I could for the circumstances given and I know this is not a quick fix.. I know it's going to take me a long time.. But I hope that I can notice a difference soon so that it will keep me motivated to keep going strong..

It's been a MONTH... a whole month has gone by..  FAST!! ... AND before you know it another month will be gone... and where will I be??? Well that is going to be all up to ME!

Sooo I have a new game plan... this month I am going to give 110% ... I am going to go above and beyond my own expectations I am going to push myself.. take out my frustration with exercise..

I am going to fight for this as hard as I can... If I put the work in the results have to come sooner or later.. in my case it's obviously going to be later... I Just HAVE to stay positive... I have no choice!! .. Thank goodness I Have such an amazing support group this time around!! .. I just have to get past this... I will overcome!





 

 

Not as fast as I want it to be.. but I won't give up on me!

One thing I have struggled with each time I have embarked upon this journey is how hard I have to work to see results. I know in my mind that I am doing things the right way and that it will take time, and that I am in a better spot today than I was yesterday. But at the same time because I have changed my life drastically and have stuck to it why is my body not responding as quickly in a positive way eating healthy the way it responds so quickly in a negative way when I chose to eat unhealthy. It seems like you have to work twice as hard to be skinny and healthy as you do to just not care.

  

I won't lie the thought to just give up has crossed my mind a time or too.. quickly, and at this time I have been able to overcome those thoughts and just keep going.. It took a lot of time not caring to get me where I am today, having patience is a virtue, and I need to have patience with myself, I need to have faith knowing that the things that I am doing will get me to where I want to be.  One day at a time.. one minute at a time.. one decision at a time.

I won't give up on me.

One thing that has been inspiring to me is watching the biggest loser and looking them up online and seeing some of the before and after pictures.. they are amazing.. and it builds the faith in me.. if they can do it so can I !

Full or satisfied... Learning the difference

I have been so proud of myself this past few weeks.. I have really learned a lot about nutrition as well as myself.. I have found when I am really in the mode I am a lot stronger than I thought!  At work yesterday all the girls in the office were ordering from brick oven a popular pizza and italian place, I was asked if I wanted to order, I looked over the menu and heard what the others were ordering and for a minute I thought I could have a free day just one.. but then I thought I have been working so hard I am NOT going to blow it now.. so I ordered with them but I ordered a caesar salad with fat free dressing.... and that was it! .. Sitting around the table with them smelling the calzones and alfredo was a little hard but I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing that I had made a good decision and I almost felt a sense of control... After I was finished with my salad, I didn't feel full, it was almost as if I wanted something more, but I sat for a min. and thought to myself am I satisfied? ... Yes I was! .. I was satisfied, not full, but satisfied... in the past I think I have lost site on why we eat.. I obviously ate more for pleasure than for survival and the food that was pleasurable for me did not serve my body well.

So.... everytime I eat now, I have been using a smaller plate, and when I am done eating I think to myself am I satisfied?? ... If I am then I stop... I hope that I can continue to be strong, and to realize that I don't need to be full! ..

I will still want foods that are pleasurable.. and I will still eat them, but it will be with a differnt attitude now.. instead of sitting down to eat a piece of cake that ends up being 2 or 3 pieces I will stop at one and I will be satisfied! ... And that is good enough!!!

Saved by the Soup...

Okay I am blogging today because it has been a HARD day mentally for me!! ... I got up this morning with good intentions, wanted to get my workout done and out of the way early.. that didn't happen.. so I made myself a low fat vanilla cappacino and had 2 slices of whole wheat toast with spray butter and a dash of ranch seasoning... mmm it was divine.. started straightening up the house, and playing with the little one.. and I couldn't help but think that I needed something else to eat.. so I had some of the vegetable soup I had made yesterday I had made extra so that I could have a healthy meal on hand to help sabbotage myself.  I enjoyed a big bowl of it and it filled my stomache for the moment.. and then little Mitchie said he wanted to go get a drink and a treat a ritual that used to be a common thing for us to do while the older kids were at school.. I wanted to so bad... and then I started to feel frustration, anger, and deprivation as I thought, this is not fair, why can't I eat like everybody else..  the first week was realatively easy, but hey when you start something and have the excitement, that "spark" to keep it in check, it doesn't seem so bad but after that excitement wears off a bit and you realize this isn't just a short term thing this is forever.. its a bit overwhelming and you begin to question if it's worth it.. (sounds kinda like marriage lol)  why does this have to be soooo hard!

I have made it through nearly the whole day without sabbatoging myself.. I have eaten healthy and I did get a 65 min. workout in this afternoon .. but the feelings of frustration, is still there.. I talked to my dear friend Shannon and she had some good advice.. I think that having someone to go through this with you is SOOO helpful! .. Baby steps... this is going to be a long journey to retrain my thought process.. I am not depriving myself .. I am simply choosing to be better.. I can't just shut out those cravings and habits in one week.. I have to be strong and sometimes that just really sucks! .. But I have to think about the bigger picture! .. in a year from now, I am going to feel soo great!

I also think it was key to my success today by having something healthy on hand.. something that tasted good to me, I also invented a treat this afternoon that was sweet and satisfied my sweet tooth..
I took a spice cake mix and added unsweetened applesauce to the mix and baked it like a cake.. so mentally I could feel like I had a treat! ..

Sooo very thankful that I have so many awesome people behind me! .. I know there is no way that I could do this on my own..

Finding Faith in Me....

Wow... what an awesome week!! I have absolutely found some fuel to light my fire this week, starting my blog has been almost therapuetic in a way, it has been a way to express all of the emotions that are running through my mind as I embark on this never ending journey.  I have wonderful friends who are encouraging me and ispiring me, helping me when I am discouraged.

I have only been rededicated for a little over a week but I can already feel a difference.. which is awesome and helps to keep me wanting to do better everyday...

This morning I got up and had a plan in mind, I was going to do 45 min. on my eliptical.. well 45 min turned into 60 min.. and then turned into 90 min.. I actually did a 90 min. workout... I was feeling so great.. and then my sceptical side started thinking.. grrrr...  you have been here before.. you have been dedicated, you have been awesome.. and then you have failed! ...you have tried and failed over and over again...  I kept thinking I am working so hard what if I can't do this .. what if I am going to end up right where I did before... I wish that I had a guarentee that this was going to be the last time that I would have to start from here......

EEEEERRRKKKK ... Back up the bus... I may try and I may fail, but why in the hell am I thinking about failing already?? ... I can't do this to myself...

I am making a promise to myself today that I will only invision myself as a success... that I will Find Faith in myself... that I will only take it one day at a time.. and if I do have a bad day, I will turn that bad day into a learning experience for the next day!

Don't Dwell on the Numbers.. Focus on the Change!

As the whimical chime blares from my phone urging me to get my butt out of bed, I feel a sense of unwillingness to do so.  Reluctinly I roll out of the heated blanket, and stumble my way into the bathroom.. it's sooo early.. I don't want to be responsible today.. I don't want to do what it takes to get myself presentable to go to work.  But I do.  Because I have to, because I need to do what it takes to take care of my family. 

This got me thinking... all my adult life I have always had a job.. and I have always been held favorable within my different jobs... why? .. because I am responsible I do what it takes to get the job not only done but done well and with a good attitude. Why? Because I am willing to do what it takes to ensure the well being of my family.. so why is it so easy for me to sacrifice, and work hard when it comes to employment but when it comes to doing what I HAVE to to take care of my body it's sooo hard!  Just like my financial well being is important to my family my pysical well being should be just as important.. I don't want to find myself struggling with health issues, because I am the one that was not responsible enough to do what it takes to make myself healthy and strong for my family, that is not fair to them.

As I finished putting myself together, and slipped on my jeans, I noticed that they felt a little loose.. not a lot but a little.. not enough that anyone else would notice but enough that I did.  I could feel my soul smile just a little.  I know it has only been a week, but it's been a good week, I felt a little stronger, a little more like I can do this.  Sluggishly I made my way out into the freezing tundra and drove to work.. I turned my music up loud because I just really didn't want to think about anything more this morning.. and then I arrived at my destination and began to settle in for the next 12 hours, I grabbed my phone to go into my fitness pal app and finish logging in my food for the previous day and was within my caloric limit yay.. but when it told me if you keep this rate you will be such and such weight in 5 weeks.. which was about 20 lbs. down from where I am now but when I saw that number.. a crushing feeling of overwhelmingness overcame my being.. in 5 weeks IF I can stay in check I will still be soooo far away from where I want to be, I was almost in tears!! So interesting how we as humans can experience such a range of emotions in such a short amount of time.. I had to step back.. take a deep breath.. get myself back in focus... and not DWELL on the numbers, but FOCUS on the change! This is one really big reason that I will ususally not weigh myself when I am trying to lose weight.. I myself dwell too much on the number thing, and when I am working so hard and feeling good, and then step on that scale and it mocks at me, it is not a good thing.  I know that for most people the scale helps them stay in check but for me, not so much!

So.. I put my big girl panties on and rededicatied myself to this journey.  I will go about this with the same attitude I do for work.. I will not only complete this task but I will do it well and with a good attitude.  I will do it not just for my family but I will do it for me.  

Damn the human in me...

Imagine sitting at your desk 10 hours into your shift 2 hours to go.. you have been so good all day, but it's afternoon and your mind is telling you, I need a treat, you politely say no, you are just fine.. again you hear I need a treat.. you try to drink some water with a little crystal light to satify your urge .. it helps somewhat, but there is still that sense of unsatisfaction... okay fine I will try an orange.. it tastes good, but it's not chocolate.. And then from across the hall a cute skinny little lady with a big smile on her face brings in a big pink box and joyfully exclaims that she brought you some CHOCOLATE CAKE!!! UGH!!! For reals?!?! .. At first I am strong, I don't even open the box, I try to put it out of my mind... I am feeling pretty confident.. I mean if I could resist the peanutbutter bars in the cafeteria at lunch surely I could withstand the temptation for this.. And then a friend pops in the office to say hello and out of curiosity starts lifting the lid to that invitingly pink cardboard box, oh no, the rich sweet smell of chocolate frosting in flooding my senses, my eyes caught a glimpse of that dark, rich, moist, perfectly textured TEXAS SHEET CAKE.. my favorite!! NO! It was just too much.. the human in me took over and I indulged, I ate a half of a peice of cake.. it was divine.. and after I ate that half of a peice I wanted more.. I could have had more.. BUT I didn't!!

On my way home I mentally beat myself up.. I kept asking myself WHY? Why would I do that when I have tried so hard all day to be good.  But then I had to stop and give myself a little credit, had that cake been sitting there 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least and I guarentee that I would have indulged in at least 2 peices.. realizing that I was able to limit myself and have some control was rewarding.. and it feels as though everytime I am able to establish some control I gain more power to be able to get to where I want to be.  That being said I did an extra 10 min. on my eliptical to make up for that little peice of heaven that made its way into my mouth.. and I am over it.. and ready to keep moving forward... 

What the SPARK?!?

I was asked by my dearest friend to post on what "sparked" me to start over.... well Shannon I hope this isn't to riskay... you know me ;) .. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with just about every aspect in my life, and the last three years for me have been.. well ... HELL! .. I think I have experienced every high and every low that could possibly be experienced, between the birth of a child and the death of a loved one, emotionally being drained from personal issues and financally struggling just to survive, going back to school, and trying to be the perfect mother.  In all of this I lost me.. I didn't have time to focus on me.. I am sure everyone has felt this from time to time.. I didn't even really realize how not me I was, until a few things happened and I didn't like the me that I am physically right now..
event number 1: I was scrolling through facebook pictures and saw an album that I had posted before I got pregnant with my last child.. this was the last real time that I had tried to get healthy and thin.. I remember how good I felt, even though I wasn't "skinny" I felt good, I felt good in the clothes I wore, I felt vibrant, and energetic... sexy if you will... I miss that!! I miss being comfortable with me!

event number 2:  I was getting ready for work the other morning and was looking in the mirror which I try really hard to avoid.. (which in and of itself is a sign that something needs to change) and when I bent my arm, I saw cellulite dimples... WHAT THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!!! I have NEVER had old lady arms.. this can't be I thought.. but it was right there staring back at me in the mirror.. How could I have let myself get to this point!!! .. I was sick inside.. felt even more overwhelmed.. how in the world am I ever going to be able to lose all this weight...

event number 3: and this is the riskay part... I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone, but I am SURE that I can't be the only one that feels like this.. I have always been on the more higher level side with my libido.. and feel self concious when I am with my hubby.. but generally just don't care.. lol.  The hubs had been gone for 3 nights out of town on a job, and when he got home, you would have thought it would be a given to get some action... I didn't want to.. not because I wasn't in the "mood" but because I was soo uncomfortable with my body and this time that I didn't even want to see it let alone anyone else including my husband! ... And the thing is that even when there is some action going on I can't relax and enjoy because I am too worried about the way I look, and how much better it would be if I only could lose 50 lbs... and then I start to feel guilty, and think that my hubby deserves someone that is physically fit and has a body that is desireable.. and then it starts the vicious cycle of complete overwhelmingness...

event number 4: tick tock tick tock tick tock... oh shit I am 37!!!! .. This is only going to get harder, it's just the facts of life.. If I don't get a handle on this now... I am in trooouuble.. I want to enjoy being healthy and thin as long as I can.. for me, for my kids, for my hubby... And while I can still where stylin clothes and not get made fun of.. lol

Soooo ... one day, a week or so ago... I had had enough of me not being me!! And then after talking to Shannon one night what started as a small spark, soon became a small flame.. and is begining to gain fuel and will hopefully be a raging fire... 

I hope that along the way I can encourage .. be encouraged.. and stay focused.. I NEED THIS... I WANT THIS... I CAN DO THIS!!!!

That little devil..

mmmmm ..  walking into the cafeteria this morning the smell of bacon, saugage, and pancakes with maple syrup filled my nostrils.. looking at that bacon, I swear I heard it call my name.  The me fighting said no no no.. that little devil me sitting on my shoulder kept saying you still have all your calorie alotment for the day it will be okay.. that battle that for some is so easy was not for me.. Alas in the end I walked away with oatmeal, a bannana and an orange for a snack... even though I made a better choice, the fact that I wanted the bacon was still there.  That is something that goes through my mind a lot.. the fact that I want to be good, but I don't want to be good all at the same time, why can't I eat like everyone else?  I hope to get to a mental state where it won't bug me that I can't have the "bad" stuff.. that I will be happy that I am eating oatmeal because it will make me happier in the end. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment when I pass up the junk food and deposit something healthy in my body. I just wish that a salad was as tempting to me as a doughnut.. :) I am on my way, and that I have to be thankful for.. small steps day by day .. meal by meal.. I CAN DO THIS!

 

My small change for the day..

On my way to work EARLY this morning.. I drove with no radio on so I could meditate if you will, and ponder the things that I need to do in order to make this battle one that I can conquer.  I made a concious decision this morning to bypass my routine stop at the gas station for a diet Pepsi and filled my 44 oz. cup with water and crystal light when I got to work instead.... one small step, one small thing to be a little better. I also resolved to go walk the stairs every three hours of my long 12 hour shift today.. another small step that will help me to burn nearly 500 calories..  my mind is still reeling with ideas :) As I think about this mountain in front of me, with the amount of weight that I want to lose, and how at times it seems just too overwhelming, I realize that by making just small changes to be a little better each day, I can take one step at a time and eventually I will climb that mountain.  Yesterday on my home from work a song came on the radio, a song that I have listened to time and time again but never really "listened" if you know what I mean, this time the words hit me like a ton of bricks and tears streamed down my cheecks... It hit home, and reinforced the fact that I CAN do this! I will post the lyrics to the song "The Climb"...

                                                                          

  "The Climb"

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I, I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin',
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah, yeah

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

I hope everyone has a wonderful day full of small steps in the right direction!

Here we go again...

So this is my story.... I am an average american mom.. with four kids, a full time job, and the desire to be thin!!! .. I have tried and tried over and over and have suceeded and failed time and time again.. I am focused once again but can't help but think in the back of my brain, if this will be "THE TIME" the time that I actually succeed and stay that way! ... There have been so many times that I have been "focused" and on track thinking that I would never return to my old habits! .. Well here I am starting again! .. But I have to be strong, I have to know that starting over is better than not starting over at all! .. One day at a time, and I KNOW that some days it will be one minute at a time, but I CAN do it! Today I have focused on the small things that will help me along the way.. simple things.. I downloaded an app for my phone called my fitness pal.. I have held myself accountable all day for the food that I have put into my mouth.. and for me it has helped a lot.. I have also uped my water intake, instead of two 32 oz. diet pepsi's I only had one and two 32 oz. cups full of water.. I took the stairs at work today.. small steps today, small steps that are helping me on my way! .. I CAN DO THIS!!!