Friday, January 4, 2013

What the SPARK?!?

I was asked by my dearest friend to post on what "sparked" me to start over.... well Shannon I hope this isn't to riskay... you know me ;) .. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with just about every aspect in my life, and the last three years for me have been.. well ... HELL! .. I think I have experienced every high and every low that could possibly be experienced, between the birth of a child and the death of a loved one, emotionally being drained from personal issues and financally struggling just to survive, going back to school, and trying to be the perfect mother.  In all of this I lost me.. I didn't have time to focus on me.. I am sure everyone has felt this from time to time.. I didn't even really realize how not me I was, until a few things happened and I didn't like the me that I am physically right now..
event number 1: I was scrolling through facebook pictures and saw an album that I had posted before I got pregnant with my last child.. this was the last real time that I had tried to get healthy and thin.. I remember how good I felt, even though I wasn't "skinny" I felt good, I felt good in the clothes I wore, I felt vibrant, and energetic... sexy if you will... I miss that!! I miss being comfortable with me!

event number 2:  I was getting ready for work the other morning and was looking in the mirror which I try really hard to avoid.. (which in and of itself is a sign that something needs to change) and when I bent my arm, I saw cellulite dimples... WHAT THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!!! I have NEVER had old lady arms.. this can't be I thought.. but it was right there staring back at me in the mirror.. How could I have let myself get to this point!!! .. I was sick inside.. felt even more overwhelmed.. how in the world am I ever going to be able to lose all this weight...

event number 3: and this is the riskay part... I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone, but I am SURE that I can't be the only one that feels like this.. I have always been on the more higher level side with my libido.. and feel self concious when I am with my hubby.. but generally just don't care.. lol.  The hubs had been gone for 3 nights out of town on a job, and when he got home, you would have thought it would be a given to get some action... I didn't want to.. not because I wasn't in the "mood" but because I was soo uncomfortable with my body and this time that I didn't even want to see it let alone anyone else including my husband! ... And the thing is that even when there is some action going on I can't relax and enjoy because I am too worried about the way I look, and how much better it would be if I only could lose 50 lbs... and then I start to feel guilty, and think that my hubby deserves someone that is physically fit and has a body that is desireable.. and then it starts the vicious cycle of complete overwhelmingness...

event number 4: tick tock tick tock tick tock... oh shit I am 37!!!! .. This is only going to get harder, it's just the facts of life.. If I don't get a handle on this now... I am in trooouuble.. I want to enjoy being healthy and thin as long as I can.. for me, for my kids, for my hubby... And while I can still where stylin clothes and not get made fun of.. lol

Soooo ... one day, a week or so ago... I had had enough of me not being me!! And then after talking to Shannon one night what started as a small spark, soon became a small flame.. and is begining to gain fuel and will hopefully be a raging fire... 

I hope that along the way I can encourage .. be encouraged.. and stay focused.. I NEED THIS... I WANT THIS... I CAN DO THIS!!!!

5 comments:

  1. Thanks for your openness and honesty Mandy! It will carry you a long way. You know, it's never too late. I didn't get my real spark until I was 49. I'm 53 now and the years between have been the healthiest and happiest of my whole life. So it's never too late. But it's an ongoing process and there are hills and valleys. Sometimes it's easier than others. I am glad you are doing this for you and you can count on me for encouragement. YAY SHANNON for bringing you along.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU!! ... Thanks for the encouragement.. I hope I can encourage others as well ..

      Delete
  2. Mandy I love that you are so open. I think it's one thing to feel it privately and then another to share it. It makes everything very real knowing that "it's out there". I am so proud of you and blessed to cal you my friend. There is always a last time, always :) Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Shannon! .. you are so inspirational.. love you!

      Delete
  3. YES! Never too late! That's the great thing about it. Today is always THE best time to start. Not tomorrow, not after the weekend, not after the next holiday, birthday, whatever........ I was 47 when I first started my health blog. I'd been slowly making healthy changes for about 2 years before that. Started just by walking every day. Then started eating healthier. Then started cutting back portions. It was a long process! :-) The blogging community really helped motivate me and keep me going. I look forward to following your journey and encouraging you along the way.

    ReplyDelete