Don't Dwell on the Numbers.. Focus on the Change!

As the whimical chime blares from my phone urging me to get my butt out of bed, I feel a sense of unwillingness to do so.  Reluctinly I roll out of the heated blanket, and stumble my way into the bathroom.. it's sooo early.. I don't want to be responsible today.. I don't want to do what it takes to get myself presentable to go to work.  But I do.  Because I have to, because I need to do what it takes to take care of my family. 

This got me thinking... all my adult life I have always had a job.. and I have always been held favorable within my different jobs... why? .. because I am responsible I do what it takes to get the job not only done but done well and with a good attitude. Why? Because I am willing to do what it takes to ensure the well being of my family.. so why is it so easy for me to sacrifice, and work hard when it comes to employment but when it comes to doing what I HAVE to to take care of my body it's sooo hard!  Just like my financial well being is important to my family my pysical well being should be just as important.. I don't want to find myself struggling with health issues, because I am the one that was not responsible enough to do what it takes to make myself healthy and strong for my family, that is not fair to them.

As I finished putting myself together, and slipped on my jeans, I noticed that they felt a little loose.. not a lot but a little.. not enough that anyone else would notice but enough that I did.  I could feel my soul smile just a little.  I know it has only been a week, but it's been a good week, I felt a little stronger, a little more like I can do this.  Sluggishly I made my way out into the freezing tundra and drove to work.. I turned my music up loud because I just really didn't want to think about anything more this morning.. and then I arrived at my destination and began to settle in for the next 12 hours, I grabbed my phone to go into my fitness pal app and finish logging in my food for the previous day and was within my caloric limit yay.. but when it told me if you keep this rate you will be such and such weight in 5 weeks.. which was about 20 lbs. down from where I am now but when I saw that number.. a crushing feeling of overwhelmingness overcame my being.. in 5 weeks IF I can stay in check I will still be soooo far away from where I want to be, I was almost in tears!! So interesting how we as humans can experience such a range of emotions in such a short amount of time.. I had to step back.. take a deep breath.. get myself back in focus... and not DWELL on the numbers, but FOCUS on the change! This is one really big reason that I will ususally not weigh myself when I am trying to lose weight.. I myself dwell too much on the number thing, and when I am working so hard and feeling good, and then step on that scale and it mocks at me, it is not a good thing.  I know that for most people the scale helps them stay in check but for me, not so much!

So.. I put my big girl panties on and rededicatied myself to this journey.  I will go about this with the same attitude I do for work.. I will not only complete this task but I will do it well and with a good attitude.  I will do it not just for my family but I will do it for me.  

Damn the human in me...

Imagine sitting at your desk 10 hours into your shift 2 hours to go.. you have been so good all day, but it's afternoon and your mind is telling you, I need a treat, you politely say no, you are just fine.. again you hear I need a treat.. you try to drink some water with a little crystal light to satify your urge .. it helps somewhat, but there is still that sense of unsatisfaction... okay fine I will try an orange.. it tastes good, but it's not chocolate.. And then from across the hall a cute skinny little lady with a big smile on her face brings in a big pink box and joyfully exclaims that she brought you some CHOCOLATE CAKE!!! UGH!!! For reals?!?! .. At first I am strong, I don't even open the box, I try to put it out of my mind... I am feeling pretty confident.. I mean if I could resist the peanutbutter bars in the cafeteria at lunch surely I could withstand the temptation for this.. And then a friend pops in the office to say hello and out of curiosity starts lifting the lid to that invitingly pink cardboard box, oh no, the rich sweet smell of chocolate frosting in flooding my senses, my eyes caught a glimpse of that dark, rich, moist, perfectly textured TEXAS SHEET CAKE.. my favorite!! NO! It was just too much.. the human in me took over and I indulged, I ate a half of a peice of cake.. it was divine.. and after I ate that half of a peice I wanted more.. I could have had more.. BUT I didn't!!

On my way home I mentally beat myself up.. I kept asking myself WHY? Why would I do that when I have tried so hard all day to be good.  But then I had to stop and give myself a little credit, had that cake been sitting there 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least and I guarentee that I would have indulged in at least 2 peices.. realizing that I was able to limit myself and have some control was rewarding.. and it feels as though everytime I am able to establish some control I gain more power to be able to get to where I want to be.  That being said I did an extra 10 min. on my eliptical to make up for that little peice of heaven that made its way into my mouth.. and I am over it.. and ready to keep moving forward... 

What the SPARK?!?

I was asked by my dearest friend to post on what "sparked" me to start over.... well Shannon I hope this isn't to riskay... you know me ;) .. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with just about every aspect in my life, and the last three years for me have been.. well ... HELL! .. I think I have experienced every high and every low that could possibly be experienced, between the birth of a child and the death of a loved one, emotionally being drained from personal issues and financally struggling just to survive, going back to school, and trying to be the perfect mother.  In all of this I lost me.. I didn't have time to focus on me.. I am sure everyone has felt this from time to time.. I didn't even really realize how not me I was, until a few things happened and I didn't like the me that I am physically right now..
event number 1: I was scrolling through facebook pictures and saw an album that I had posted before I got pregnant with my last child.. this was the last real time that I had tried to get healthy and thin.. I remember how good I felt, even though I wasn't "skinny" I felt good, I felt good in the clothes I wore, I felt vibrant, and energetic... sexy if you will... I miss that!! I miss being comfortable with me!

event number 2:  I was getting ready for work the other morning and was looking in the mirror which I try really hard to avoid.. (which in and of itself is a sign that something needs to change) and when I bent my arm, I saw cellulite dimples... WHAT THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!!! I have NEVER had old lady arms.. this can't be I thought.. but it was right there staring back at me in the mirror.. How could I have let myself get to this point!!! .. I was sick inside.. felt even more overwhelmed.. how in the world am I ever going to be able to lose all this weight...

event number 3: and this is the riskay part... I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone, but I am SURE that I can't be the only one that feels like this.. I have always been on the more higher level side with my libido.. and feel self concious when I am with my hubby.. but generally just don't care.. lol.  The hubs had been gone for 3 nights out of town on a job, and when he got home, you would have thought it would be a given to get some action... I didn't want to.. not because I wasn't in the "mood" but because I was soo uncomfortable with my body and this time that I didn't even want to see it let alone anyone else including my husband! ... And the thing is that even when there is some action going on I can't relax and enjoy because I am too worried about the way I look, and how much better it would be if I only could lose 50 lbs... and then I start to feel guilty, and think that my hubby deserves someone that is physically fit and has a body that is desireable.. and then it starts the vicious cycle of complete overwhelmingness...

event number 4: tick tock tick tock tick tock... oh shit I am 37!!!! .. This is only going to get harder, it's just the facts of life.. If I don't get a handle on this now... I am in trooouuble.. I want to enjoy being healthy and thin as long as I can.. for me, for my kids, for my hubby... And while I can still where stylin clothes and not get made fun of.. lol

Soooo ... one day, a week or so ago... I had had enough of me not being me!! And then after talking to Shannon one night what started as a small spark, soon became a small flame.. and is begining to gain fuel and will hopefully be a raging fire... 

I hope that along the way I can encourage .. be encouraged.. and stay focused.. I NEED THIS... I WANT THIS... I CAN DO THIS!!!!

That little devil..

mmmmm ..  walking into the cafeteria this morning the smell of bacon, saugage, and pancakes with maple syrup filled my nostrils.. looking at that bacon, I swear I heard it call my name.  The me fighting said no no no.. that little devil me sitting on my shoulder kept saying you still have all your calorie alotment for the day it will be okay.. that battle that for some is so easy was not for me.. Alas in the end I walked away with oatmeal, a bannana and an orange for a snack... even though I made a better choice, the fact that I wanted the bacon was still there.  That is something that goes through my mind a lot.. the fact that I want to be good, but I don't want to be good all at the same time, why can't I eat like everyone else?  I hope to get to a mental state where it won't bug me that I can't have the "bad" stuff.. that I will be happy that I am eating oatmeal because it will make me happier in the end. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment when I pass up the junk food and deposit something healthy in my body. I just wish that a salad was as tempting to me as a doughnut.. :) I am on my way, and that I have to be thankful for.. small steps day by day .. meal by meal.. I CAN DO THIS!

 

My small change for the day..

On my way to work EARLY this morning.. I drove with no radio on so I could meditate if you will, and ponder the things that I need to do in order to make this battle one that I can conquer.  I made a concious decision this morning to bypass my routine stop at the gas station for a diet Pepsi and filled my 44 oz. cup with water and crystal light when I got to work instead.... one small step, one small thing to be a little better. I also resolved to go walk the stairs every three hours of my long 12 hour shift today.. another small step that will help me to burn nearly 500 calories..  my mind is still reeling with ideas :) As I think about this mountain in front of me, with the amount of weight that I want to lose, and how at times it seems just too overwhelming, I realize that by making just small changes to be a little better each day, I can take one step at a time and eventually I will climb that mountain.  Yesterday on my home from work a song came on the radio, a song that I have listened to time and time again but never really "listened" if you know what I mean, this time the words hit me like a ton of bricks and tears streamed down my cheecks... It hit home, and reinforced the fact that I CAN do this! I will post the lyrics to the song "The Climb"...

                                                                          

  "The Climb"

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I, I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin',
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah, yeah

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

I hope everyone has a wonderful day full of small steps in the right direction!

Here we go again...

So this is my story.... I am an average american mom.. with four kids, a full time job, and the desire to be thin!!! .. I have tried and tried over and over and have suceeded and failed time and time again.. I am focused once again but can't help but think in the back of my brain, if this will be "THE TIME" the time that I actually succeed and stay that way! ... There have been so many times that I have been "focused" and on track thinking that I would never return to my old habits! .. Well here I am starting again! .. But I have to be strong, I have to know that starting over is better than not starting over at all! .. One day at a time, and I KNOW that some days it will be one minute at a time, but I CAN do it! Today I have focused on the small things that will help me along the way.. simple things.. I downloaded an app for my phone called my fitness pal.. I have held myself accountable all day for the food that I have put into my mouth.. and for me it has helped a lot.. I have also uped my water intake, instead of two 32 oz. diet pepsi's I only had one and two 32 oz. cups full of water.. I took the stairs at work today.. small steps today, small steps that are helping me on my way! .. I CAN DO THIS!!!