I'M BAAAACCCKK... Did ya miss me?? .. I missed me!

Soooo I have really had an internal battle raging inside of me these last two and a half weeks.. I don't know how or why this happens... but I do know it happens EVERYTIME I try to get my life back on the healthy side! .. I WANT THIS SOOO BAD.. I REALLY REALLY DO... so WHY... ? .. WHY?! ... WHY is it sooo hard to follow through?!

Life ..

EMOTIONS..
EMOTIONS...

Children..

EMOTIONS!!.. .

I am trying to learn how to set aside the emotional habit of eating and love myself for who I am and what I am going through .. love myself enough to make the right choices because I know I CAN! .. I have been there.. I have made the right choices even in difficult times.. NOW I need to recommit to being strong, living strong, and self motivate..

I have noticed a big difference in the way I have felt the last two weeks, even though it was just about 6 weeks that I stayed motivated and made the right choices, the last two weeks when I haven't have been really hard, and I feel like CRAP! .. I feel like all the hard work that I have accomplised in the last little bit is for NOTHING! .. But I am NOT going to dwell on that.. NOPE not this time.. I am living from this day on! .. I am going to be accountable each and every day.. I will recommit everyday! .. I am moving forward! ... I WANT THIS!

For once in my life I am going to do something for me..



Do you see what I see.... Finally noticing small changes

After being frustrated and feeling so low, I was quickly picked back up by the BEST family and friends EVER!! ... I am fighting even harder right now, and know that I am gearing up to give it my all!! .. I know the changes are slow and hey I haven't really noticed anything significant but ....



DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE??? ...   Cheek bones!!! ... I will be admiring them all day!! .. 

And that is all I have to say today!! 

LOVE you ALL thank you for all your support!! 

Frustration is setting in... I have to overcome!

Tonight I can feel the frustration building ... the anger and rage and disappointment are building pressure so forcefully that I almost feel as though I am going to litereally explode..



 

 

I know that I have been trying hard to be healthy and to exercise... and I have come a long way from where I was.. And it's only been a month .. BUT I have really not noticed a difference in my body!!

 

Everyone around me that is dieting and exercising, have had really good numbers as far as losing weight.. even my own sweet sister whom I love so much has lost 13 pounds and I am SOOOO happy for her and everyone around me.. But I am frustrated as hell that I am not noticing any difference in the way my body looks and feels...

 

Have I been exercising... YES... have I been eating better... YES... BUT here is the key... have I given it an absolute 100%??? .... I would have to honestly say no.. I have done the best I could for the circumstances given and I know this is not a quick fix.. I know it's going to take me a long time.. But I hope that I can notice a difference soon so that it will keep me motivated to keep going strong..

It's been a MONTH... a whole month has gone by..  FAST!! ... AND before you know it another month will be gone... and where will I be??? Well that is going to be all up to ME!

Sooo I have a new game plan... this month I am going to give 110% ... I am going to go above and beyond my own expectations I am going to push myself.. take out my frustration with exercise..

I am going to fight for this as hard as I can... If I put the work in the results have to come sooner or later.. in my case it's obviously going to be later... I Just HAVE to stay positive... I have no choice!! .. Thank goodness I Have such an amazing support group this time around!! .. I just have to get past this... I will overcome!





 

 

Not as fast as I want it to be.. but I won't give up on me!

One thing I have struggled with each time I have embarked upon this journey is how hard I have to work to see results. I know in my mind that I am doing things the right way and that it will take time, and that I am in a better spot today than I was yesterday. But at the same time because I have changed my life drastically and have stuck to it why is my body not responding as quickly in a positive way eating healthy the way it responds so quickly in a negative way when I chose to eat unhealthy. It seems like you have to work twice as hard to be skinny and healthy as you do to just not care.

  

I won't lie the thought to just give up has crossed my mind a time or too.. quickly, and at this time I have been able to overcome those thoughts and just keep going.. It took a lot of time not caring to get me where I am today, having patience is a virtue, and I need to have patience with myself, I need to have faith knowing that the things that I am doing will get me to where I want to be.  One day at a time.. one minute at a time.. one decision at a time.

I won't give up on me.

One thing that has been inspiring to me is watching the biggest loser and looking them up online and seeing some of the before and after pictures.. they are amazing.. and it builds the faith in me.. if they can do it so can I !

Full or satisfied... Learning the difference

I have been so proud of myself this past few weeks.. I have really learned a lot about nutrition as well as myself.. I have found when I am really in the mode I am a lot stronger than I thought!  At work yesterday all the girls in the office were ordering from brick oven a popular pizza and italian place, I was asked if I wanted to order, I looked over the menu and heard what the others were ordering and for a minute I thought I could have a free day just one.. but then I thought I have been working so hard I am NOT going to blow it now.. so I ordered with them but I ordered a caesar salad with fat free dressing.... and that was it! .. Sitting around the table with them smelling the calzones and alfredo was a little hard but I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing that I had made a good decision and I almost felt a sense of control... After I was finished with my salad, I didn't feel full, it was almost as if I wanted something more, but I sat for a min. and thought to myself am I satisfied? ... Yes I was! .. I was satisfied, not full, but satisfied... in the past I think I have lost site on why we eat.. I obviously ate more for pleasure than for survival and the food that was pleasurable for me did not serve my body well.

So.... everytime I eat now, I have been using a smaller plate, and when I am done eating I think to myself am I satisfied?? ... If I am then I stop... I hope that I can continue to be strong, and to realize that I don't need to be full! ..

I will still want foods that are pleasurable.. and I will still eat them, but it will be with a differnt attitude now.. instead of sitting down to eat a piece of cake that ends up being 2 or 3 pieces I will stop at one and I will be satisfied! ... And that is good enough!!!

Saved by the Soup...

Okay I am blogging today because it has been a HARD day mentally for me!! ... I got up this morning with good intentions, wanted to get my workout done and out of the way early.. that didn't happen.. so I made myself a low fat vanilla cappacino and had 2 slices of whole wheat toast with spray butter and a dash of ranch seasoning... mmm it was divine.. started straightening up the house, and playing with the little one.. and I couldn't help but think that I needed something else to eat.. so I had some of the vegetable soup I had made yesterday I had made extra so that I could have a healthy meal on hand to help sabbotage myself.  I enjoyed a big bowl of it and it filled my stomache for the moment.. and then little Mitchie said he wanted to go get a drink and a treat a ritual that used to be a common thing for us to do while the older kids were at school.. I wanted to so bad... and then I started to feel frustration, anger, and deprivation as I thought, this is not fair, why can't I eat like everybody else..  the first week was realatively easy, but hey when you start something and have the excitement, that "spark" to keep it in check, it doesn't seem so bad but after that excitement wears off a bit and you realize this isn't just a short term thing this is forever.. its a bit overwhelming and you begin to question if it's worth it.. (sounds kinda like marriage lol)  why does this have to be soooo hard!

I have made it through nearly the whole day without sabbatoging myself.. I have eaten healthy and I did get a 65 min. workout in this afternoon .. but the feelings of frustration, is still there.. I talked to my dear friend Shannon and she had some good advice.. I think that having someone to go through this with you is SOOO helpful! .. Baby steps... this is going to be a long journey to retrain my thought process.. I am not depriving myself .. I am simply choosing to be better.. I can't just shut out those cravings and habits in one week.. I have to be strong and sometimes that just really sucks! .. But I have to think about the bigger picture! .. in a year from now, I am going to feel soo great!

I also think it was key to my success today by having something healthy on hand.. something that tasted good to me, I also invented a treat this afternoon that was sweet and satisfied my sweet tooth..
I took a spice cake mix and added unsweetened applesauce to the mix and baked it like a cake.. so mentally I could feel like I had a treat! ..

Sooo very thankful that I have so many awesome people behind me! .. I know there is no way that I could do this on my own..

Finding Faith in Me....

Wow... what an awesome week!! I have absolutely found some fuel to light my fire this week, starting my blog has been almost therapuetic in a way, it has been a way to express all of the emotions that are running through my mind as I embark on this never ending journey.  I have wonderful friends who are encouraging me and ispiring me, helping me when I am discouraged.

I have only been rededicated for a little over a week but I can already feel a difference.. which is awesome and helps to keep me wanting to do better everyday...

This morning I got up and had a plan in mind, I was going to do 45 min. on my eliptical.. well 45 min turned into 60 min.. and then turned into 90 min.. I actually did a 90 min. workout... I was feeling so great.. and then my sceptical side started thinking.. grrrr...  you have been here before.. you have been dedicated, you have been awesome.. and then you have failed! ...you have tried and failed over and over again...  I kept thinking I am working so hard what if I can't do this .. what if I am going to end up right where I did before... I wish that I had a guarentee that this was going to be the last time that I would have to start from here......

EEEEERRRKKKK ... Back up the bus... I may try and I may fail, but why in the hell am I thinking about failing already?? ... I can't do this to myself...

I am making a promise to myself today that I will only invision myself as a success... that I will Find Faith in myself... that I will only take it one day at a time.. and if I do have a bad day, I will turn that bad day into a learning experience for the next day!